Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
📽️movie date🎞️
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.