I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
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If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Lmbo
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.