COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive