There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
You Might Also Like
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…