ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
You Might Also Like
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.