dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
You Might Also Like
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control