Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet