I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
the Monday after daylight savings
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
This why you should mind your business
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Why are bridges so flammable.