WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
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This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me :
All Day At Night