people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
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Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on