If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
You Might Also Like
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”