if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.