What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
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ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.