A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
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Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.