Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
first you must answer his riddles
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money