I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
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Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave