watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now