Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
You Might Also Like
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego鈩笍
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
If you don鈥檛 know what stage your relationship is in, I鈥檇 recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can鈥檛 come
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There鈥檚 not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
馃檶馃徎馃槀馃槀馃槶馃ぃ
Me irl
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I鈥檇 never forget you. No I wouldn鈥檛.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom鈥檚 house?
Me: …Kids?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
There鈥檚 always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub鈥y the way, what are you doing tonight?
When I鈥檓 president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.