If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Never let them know your next move 😂
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.