“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
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Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem