So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
You Might Also Like
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!