I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
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*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…