My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
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*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders