My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal