In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?