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Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?