ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
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Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
This came to me in a dream.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.