Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
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I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.