Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..