robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
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Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.