If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
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I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.