Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks