Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
You Might Also Like
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
LMAO
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.