I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
You Might Also Like
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off