According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.