I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.