If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
You Might Also Like
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
British websites use biscuits.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true