My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
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Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
The internet is magic sometimes.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick