I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
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Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
describing stardew valley
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.