ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
You Might Also Like
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.