[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
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i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me