I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
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when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…