As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.