Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?