I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
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Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”