[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Twitter fine art
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
The happy life.. 😊
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?