My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
#parenting
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.