Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
some Old Testament wisdom
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.