If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Just say no
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*