[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
whatcha thinkin bout
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.